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Velociraptor attack is the 3rd leading cause of death for men age 27-29, but can strike anybody at any time. Chances are you or someone you know has been affected by a velociraptor attack. These fierce beasts will stop at nothing to attack your homes, steal your food, and eat your children. Velociraptors are perturbed by nothing, not even doorknobs. They can attack during the night or day, catching you unawares and completely defenseless, laying you at their mercy. Awareness of the severity and frequency of these attacks and the steps that can be taken to prevent them will go a long way to saving lives.

First of all, know your enemy. This is how a velociraptor looks:

Essential facts you should know about velociraptors:

• Velociraptors hunt in packs, and are known to form an equilateral triangle around its prey.
• Velociraptors can accelerate 4 m/s², with a top speed of 25 m/s on open terrain, 10 m/s while wounded, and 10 m/s in indoor labratories.
• Velociraptors can open doors, but are slowed by them. They can open an initial door in approximately 5 minutes, and will take half that time for each subsequent door.
• Velociraptors do not know fear.

There are a few things you can do to increase the likelihood of surviving a velociraptor attack (thanks to for people who wear clothes):

• Learn to recognize the signs of a velociraptor attack. How can you tell? Here’s an easy test: Is there a velociraptor in the immediate area? If yes, you may be under attack. If no, stay wary–a velociraptor may still be nearby.
• Do your research. Many popular movies, books and blogs have perpetrated myths about velociraptors and their attacks.  For example, some velociraptor attack experts underestimate the importance of tire irons–which could be a fatal mistake. Arm yourself with knowledge that could save your life.
• Plan your escape routes. While this is important for fire safety, escape routes are also necessary in velociraptor attacks. Preplanning is necessary, as calculations waste valuable time in the midst of an attack. At minimum, plan escapes to and from your home, car and work, as well as strategies that can be implemented in enclosed spaces, open spaces or in a crowded area.
• Check your home for velociraptor entry points. Solid-core doors and shuttered windows with no outside opening mechanism should be adequately secure. Picture windows, french doors and sliding glass doors can easily be broken and are therefore a potential breach risk. Windows or doors on the second floor of a building are most likely safe. If possible, invest in velociraptor-safe locks throughout your home.
• Keep an arsenal at hand. Proper ammunition can earn you valuable time in case of an attack. Assault rifles, for instance, can be handy in the event of either a zombies apocalypse or a velociraptor attack. Velociraptors have been show to be averse to a compound in Concord grape juice. Keep your fridge stocked and your squirt gun in good working order at all times.
• Be wary of strangers. Velociraptors often disguise themselves with mustaches, trench coats and Darth Vader voice changers. When meeting new people, make sure to hold a complete, intelligible conversation before befriending them. Additionally, when moving into a new home, make sure the neighbors aren’t velociraptors.
• Prepare a velociraptor attack survival kit. This should include at minimum an assault rifle, Concord grape juice, a squirt gun, a flashlight, duct tape, chocolate, your prepared escape routes, and clean underwear.

More information about velociraptor attacks is available through the American Society for Velociraptor Attack Prevention.

Inform yourself about velociraptor attacks today! It can save your life tomorrow…